As some of you may know, since leaving the states I have been absolutely unable to find my favorite soda (Dr. Pepper if you hadn’t guessed) anywhere. I’ve searched every major grocery store we’ve been to; nobody carries it.
So today, I decided to try and do something to fix my Dr. Pepper-related crisis, which prompted me to send this letter to the Customer Relations department at Dr. Pepper.
Is it a bit much? Deliberately so, especially the alliteration whenever referring to the soda. Is it too much? Not if they have a sense of humor – or a heart. Did I actually send this? You betcha. Am I going to let you know if I get a response? Of course.
(Edit: Oh hell, I just noticed I used the adjective “peerless” twice. Oh well)
Dear Folks At Dr. Pepper,
I am writing to you today out of desperation and am asking for your kind assistance.
Allow me to explain. Roughly five months ago I left the U.S.A. and moved to France to pursue the only thing in life greater than Dr. Pepper: love. My spouse is from there, you see, and my marriage required me to relocate.
However, when I left my home country, little did I know that I would be voluntarily plunging myself into a cold, stygian darkness of a Dr.Pepper-less existence.
The fact is that despite all my searching, all my rooting and rummaging, all my detailed examinations of every major store in the area, I have been unable to find your beloved beverage on any shelf. Neither bottle, nor can, nor even a single drop of your excellent elixir.
It is without doubt that my brand-loyalty cannot be called into question. From an early age, the perennial question posed by waitresses in every establishment I patronized – “What can I get you to drink?” – has always been answered with a resounding and unambiguous cry of “Dr. Pepper!”; for I knew that I could never be disappointed with your peerless preparation of 23 flavors. Almost any soft drink purchase that I have been involved in throughout the years has resolved itself with a Dr. Pepper in my hand.
I therefore ask for your help in ameliorating the gloomy, desolate state in which I find myself – unable to locate any of your peerless product and desperately longing for a bottle, a can, or even a sip.
Please tell me, is there anything you can do?
Hoping you respond soon,