Of A Muddled Mind Comes Nothing

When I was born, I shipped with bugs in the software. Memory leaks, the occasional segfault, and some missing subroutines here and there.

Most of my issues are relatively minor though, and just add to my count of idiosyncrasies. There are, however, two things that do hamper my life as a functioning adult.

One is that despite not having been formally diagnosed, I have strong obsessive compulsive tendencies in certain areas. Things like checking the coffee pot and iron multiple times before leaving the apartment, and sometimes still worrying that I left them on and that the apartment will resultantly burn to the ground. Sorting every single file on my hard drive into very specifically named folders. Starting to feel the need to place a certain number of steps in each solid area of sidewalk (depending on size, taken in pairs) if I let myself look at the sidewalk too much (I have actually been late to work because of this).

There are periods, sometimes long ones, that those all go away – but they always return, and I manage to control them to varying degrees.

But one thing that never really goes away is that I crave order and neatness. Not in my physical life. In the physical world, I am at best messy and at the worst, slovenly. My need for order is more to do with information, which manifests itself in notes, things that can be sorted (like colored candies or things that can be sorted alphanumerically), file systems, and especially my thoughts.

The other problem I have is one of concentration. Reading, writing, drawing, and programming are usually areas where I can actually concentrate and keep out intruding thoughts, but otherwise, it’s a struggle to keep on the same line of thought for more than a couple minutes. Something very tangentially related (or sometimes not at all related) will start to dominate (and I do mean dominate) my thoughts, and then something tangentially related to THAT comes in, and so on and so forth, and then no more than five minutes later I’m lightyears from my original train of thought and have to fight my way back to it.

But the last several weeks though, it’s gotten much worse. Before, even if my mind was jumping tracks, I could at least have a minute or two of relative clarity and concentration on that particular line. Now, no such luck.

I have the impression that I can’t think anymore. I know that sounds stupid, but there are so many things jumbling around in my head that thoughts no longer seem to have the time to coalesce in my head.

It’s become a struggle to keep away the interlopers long enough to allow me to develop a fully formed coherent thought on the correct subject. And it’s stressful. And it’s exhausting. And it’s depressing. And that just adds to the problem.

Do you have any suggestions for regaining mental clarity or improving concentration?


One thought on “Of A Muddled Mind Comes Nothing

  1. Nothing makes you feel more out of control than babies. Babies are irrational, needy, demanding and have no concept of time. Schedules fly out the window with babies. You can just accept this and learn to live with the discomfort or you can try to control the uncontrollable and drive yourself mad. Life swirls away like a leaf in the wind. You can spend your days trying to catch it, or you can watch the wild beauty, step out in faith and trust that God is in control. (then, again, there’s always meds!)

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