Someone I wish I could forget – my first reaction was to say Donald Trump. Or Kanye West. Or Kim Kardashian. Or any of hundreds of other vacuous celebrities whose existence I am forcibly reminded of daily.
But then I realized there’s someone I’d like to forget more: myself. Now, before you think I’m depressed or hate myself, allow me to explain.
I’m referring to myself in two ways here. Firstly, I’m referring to my past self. I haven’t always been the man I am today. I haven’t always even been a good person. The Bible says judge not lest ye be judged; the “good book” and I don’t agree on much, but there we do. It is because of my past that I avoid passing judgement too quickly these days (except for the afore-mentioned celebrities…) – it would be incredibly dishonest of me.
My past is rife with horrible things I wish I hadn’t said, even more things I wish I hadn’t done, people I wish I hadn’t hurt, and so on. While I wouldn’t wish to forget those I’ve hurt (not least of which because I would be doing them further disservice), I could do without my brain’s constant reminders of the stupid, hurtful, douchebaggy (that’s probably on Urban Dictionary, right?), and/or self-important bullshit I’ve spoken and done in the past. And there’s a lot of it to remind myself of.
Secondly, I mean forget myself in the sense of losing oneself, forgetting one’s place, forgetting to “mind oneself”. Up until recently, even if the divorce was behind me, a lot of my energy had been poured into modulating my thoughts and feelings and behaviors; being on the surface normal, going to work, going through the motions
I no longer have to do that. I recently found my real smile and put the fake one away. And that is a huge relief. I don’t think the fake was fooling anyone anyway.
[This post would have been longer and/or better, but I’m writing it on my mobile, and the WordPress app is making it a nightmare…]
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